Recently though, I listened to a podcast by Anjie Cho, one of my great inspirators. She mentioned how she had finally become a feng shui expert in addition to being an interior architect and how this all had started with yoga. And there was something so practical about this otherwise spiritual path that made me realize I had been looking at it all wrong all along.
Listening to my inner mentor
Looking back, 2015 was a pinnacle year for me. I first became a director at 33 years of age and shortly after I broke up with my boyfriend of twelve years. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. We had a nice life together, we had been together for so long. Wouldn’t it be better to just stay together? But a voice deep inside me told me to leave. And I did. We sold our house (four bedrooms, two-and-a-half bathrooms) in the city center and I moved back to our capital. And I knew when I was leaving my relationship and home behind I might not (or perhaps not in time) find a new partner that I could have kids with. Still I thought: better happily alone (with family and friends) than unhappy while married with kids.
After the storm had settled in 2016 I went on a vacation to the Carribbeans with one of my best friends. I took with me this book called Playing Big by Tara Mohr and I read it front to back. In her book, Tara Mohr invites her (female) readers to actively take part in playing big: finding your voice and your mission and not holding back at going for that (like no man would ever do). Part of this is doing an Inner Mentor Visualization, which brings you to meet your Future Self: an older version of you, twenty years from now, who has already lived your life and knows some of the answers you might be seeking. Of course, nobody can actually look into the future, but the exercise is a way to tap into the inner wisdom we all possess but aren’t fully aware of. Your future self is merely that voice inside of you that already knows what’s best for you. My Future Self was definitely a version of me, but a lot calmer, wiser, at peace. I asked her what had meant most for her over the last twenty years and I couldn’t believe the answer. My inner mentor told me loud and clear: becoming a mother. The very thing I had more or less said goodbye to when breaking up my relationship, taking on a responsible job and moving, was the one thing that would teach me the biggest lesson of my life? Had I made a mistake? But believe or not: that vacation I met someone online. We met in real life a few weeks later in Amsterdam. He turned out to be the love of my life and it wasn’t long until I found out I was pregnant.
Motherhood
Our first daughter was born in November 2017. I went back to work in March 2018 as if nothing had happened. I even managed one of the most meaningful reorganizations the company had ever been through. But then came the day that I had to go and visit all the different business units to tell the people involved what was about to happen. It was no small thing and I had to try hard to keep my feelings to myself. But after a day of containing all my emotions I came home to my husband and baby daughter and I cried. For the fate of all those people affected, but also because I realized I now finally had something or rather someone to come home to. I had worked so hard all those years to achieve something, but mainly I wanted to be part of something bigger, to belong. And now I did, automatically, without any doubt. It may sound strange now but I had to get used to the idea of not having to prove anything to still be part of my family. They love me unconditionally and it had been a long time since I last experienced that.
In March 2020 we – like the rest of the world – were confined to the sacred spaces of our own homes, just a month after finding out we would become parents once more. We spend a lot of time together as a family and in November our second daughter was born. It was a completely different experience this time around. Being confined to our home once more with a newborn, a toddler and a fulltime working husband at our kitchen table was challenging at times, of course, but we also got to enjoy the days together, settling into being this family of four. When I returned to work from maternity leave I already knew that I would leave my employer of then thirteen years, and even though it took me another year to find a new company to work for and actually make the decision, I dare say I wouldn’t have made the decision at all had it not been for my daughters.
Back on (spiritual) track
Motherhood also changed my relationship to – among other things – yoga. When I first became pregnant in 2017, I felt the need to connect to my unborn baby and I reached out to a prenatal yoga teacher who was herself pregnant with her first child at the time. She helped me easing into my changing body, feeling more comfortable. But mostly she helped me establishing a connection with my unborn child, giving me the feeling that all would be well in the end.
It was the first time I felt the beneficiary workings of yoga not only at a physical, but at a spiritual level. If you have any life questions, take them to the mat, set an intention, let everything go and trust the process. By committing to your practice and being in the moment, on your yoga mat, the answer will present itself to you, because it is really already rooted deep within you. All you have to do is dive into that deep inner wisdom that is within us.
Perhaps this experience helped me overcome my bias (or rather: my fear) of the spiritual world. I think it was early Covid days – when all of us were confined to the (dis)comfort or own homes that I decided to live up to my desire to learn more about Feng Shui. I met with a Feng Shui Expert who read the energy in our house and suggested ways to improve different aspect of our lives by adjusting the flow of energy. I loved her way of looking and I can say now that it was the start of my foundation in Feng Shui. But I also felt conflicted between Yoga and Ayurveda, coming from different origins. There are definitely similarities between both philosophies, but the differences are also apparent and I felt at times that I had to choose one or the other.
Until I met a yoga teacher who teaches her practice based upon the fundamentals of Traditional Chinese Medicine (which is, like Feng Shui, rooted in Taoism). All of a sudden the pieces of the puzzles fell into place. I didn’t have to think of yoga and ayurveda as opposing Feng Shui and Traditional Chinese Medicine. Rather they can perfectly well complement each other and you can choose what you need (so long as you know what you are doing). And what’s more: you don’t have to leave this knowledge on the yoga mat, but are welcome to take it into your home with you.
Finding my inner wisdom
Being a mother changed me indeed, as my Inner Mentor had already promised me in 2016. I guess it does for most people who become parents, because the love we feel for our children, and the responsibility that comes with being a parent is something that doesn’t compare to anything. For me the added bonus is that I now belong somewhere. My husband puts it like this: home is not a place, it’s a person (or in my case: three persons).
I think it is for a reason that I – hating with passion the cold and damp weather of the northern hemisphere – became a mother twice over in autumn/ winter times. Autumn and especially winter are very fruitful periods for these kinds of reflective exercises. Nature is letting go and making us turn inward into our homes, so it seems only natural for us to turn inward ourselves too. My spiritual path has led me from yoga and motherhood, through a worldwide pandemic to Feng Shui, through TCM back to yoga, only to find that the answer to all of my questions was right there in front of me. All of these philosophies share the practice of carefully, with intention, modifying the energy in your body or in your home, in order to help change certain aspects of your life. They help me with my personal mission to make people feel at home: with themselves and in the sacred spaces of their homes.
I now like to start my week with yoga. My yoga school offers a class almost every day at nine a.m. I take my kids to school or daycare, walk to class, do my practice and then go home or the office to work. I love that I am able to choose my office hours, being able to start a bit later and finish when I’m done (and not when the day requires it), working when I actually have inspiration and being more effectively. And I am most inspired and effective when I’ve done my practice. The class on Mondays is being taught by a young Turkish woman that always starts her class with an intention, based upon something she was inspired by. And I will tell you: every single time she reads out something, it resonates with me. How does someone I’ve known for a couple of months and that I see a maximum of one hour a week seem to know exactly what I need to go by? Call it spirituality, call it inner wisdom. I’ve found my way.
Everyone who embarks on a spiritual journey needs a bit (or a lot) of guidance. I was guided by a lot of lovely and loving people who made it their live goal to help people on their quest. I would like to let them know that they did in fact help me. Thank you to Tara Mohr (Playing Big. Practical Wisdom for Women who want to speak up, create and lead. Avery Publishing Group, 2015), Diana Yost (Algarve Yoga), Emma Brasser (emmabrasser.com), Judith Botman and Herman van Kampen (House of Coherence), Therese Uyterlinde (Circle of Home), Annelies Lammers (annelieslammers.nl), Dunja Zabunovic (Natural Medicine) and everyone who has ever taught me yoga at De Yoga Studio Eindhoven (deyogastudio.nl), Thrive Yoga (thriveyoga.nl) and my current yogastudio Yagoy (yagoy.nl).
