However, life threw another curveball at me. Less than a year after breaking up with my ex I met my husband and less than a year after that I was pregnant. So about two and a half years after deciding perhaps starting a family wasn’t for me, I did just that. It felt however like I had entered a parallel universe, where things I never thought possible actually just happened to me as if they were perfectly natural.
Life as a family of three and then four
Life with one child was great. I took our daughter to daycare, went to work, picked her up (most days), put her to bed and then my husband and I would eat when she was in bed. We had a great work-life balance. I was able to divide my time and energy between work, my husband and our daughter just fine and I didn’t feel like I was lacking anywhere or anyone. Although my husband was set on a brother or sister for our daughter from the beginning, it took me some time to get used to the idea of being a mother of two, but when I finally felt ready, we bought a bigger house, I got pregnant, lost the baby, we moved, I got pregnant again and this time our daughter was also ready. In November 2020 we became parents once again. Pregnancy wasn’t for me. I didn’t feel like I was up on a pink cloud at all. I remember my first thought after giving birth to our second daughter was “She’s here!” and my second “I never have to do this again!”.
Although you would say that after such a rocky road to motherhood later in life two would definitely be enough, about six weeks after our second daughter was born I became aware of an unknown feeling. I can best describe it as a sense of not being complete. I also looked at our youngest daughter not being born to be the youngest in our family. I told my husband: “Blame it on the post-partum hormones, but I think we should have another child”. I thought he would declare me nuts, but instead he replied, simply and very matter-of-factly: “I feel the same way”.
Life as a family of more
It took us some time. Now in our early forties we were all too aware of facts about diminishing fertility, high risk pregnancies and possible health risks for the baby. We agreed not to go the medical route, simply because we are already blessed with two healthy children and we count our blessings every day. But as we suffered another miscarriage, I realized just how sad I was and that the longing for a third child is actually not that different than the longing for a child as such. You can imagine our happiness as a year later we conceived again.
And so here I am. 28 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. The first trimester, which is normally the period when woman feel nauseous, bloated and uncomfortable extended until about twenty weeks. I have two kids that need and deserve my attention and so this pregnancy is more or less passing me by. Despite not feeling well I get up early every morning, prepare lunchboxes, then breakfast, take the girls to school and daycare, go to work, get the girls out of care, cook diner, read bed time stories and take the girls to bed. No wonder then that around 8pm all I want to do is lie down on my bed, that already has the special pregnancy pillow there for my comfort.
But as I start to feel better again, we are getting ready for the little guy that is about to join us. His sisters have started sharing a bedroom recently. He will sleep in the littlest room which until a few weeks ago was still the home of our now youngest. It feels like we are putting together the pieces of an intricate puzzle that has to do with shifting around furniture. When I look back on this period in time in a couple of months I will most likely attribute it to nesting urges, but right now I am completely content moving our girls to share a bedroom, buying a bigger closet for all of their clothes and books. Buying a big linen closet (seriously, my dream come true) so the smaller one can become a toys closet in the girls room. And as the rest of the house is adjusting, the room of the baby brother (as he is now referred to) is emptying, waiting for its new inhabitant to come soon.
Our family tree
All of this brings me back to our first daughter being born. I remember getting ready for her coming. Getting a bed, sheets and blankets. Buying a commode where I would change her. Laundering the tiny clothes ready for her to wear. And then there she was and it took me some time to get used to her. Until I realized: all this time I had been preparing for a baby, when what we got was a person. A person with a strong character, which we could really see playing out before our eyes from the time she was about 6 weeks old. A feisty little lady, that didn’t let anyone tell her what to do or how to live her life from a very early age. Very imaginative as well. She loved to dress herself up and sing or pretend to be a princess or a unicorn and she remembers stories like no other. A girly girl with dark hair and dark eyes, a (not so tall, but) dark stranger at times.
The second time around was no different. We got a whole new person that added to our family equation. This sweet natured person that was smiling just because she was here with us. She would light up every time her big sister appeared in a unicorn suit. That would eat a bite of our food and nod in agreement to the good things that were being given to her. A girl with dark blond hair and the bluest eyes you have ever seen. Her presence lights up the room as soon as she walks in.
And so now, the third time around we know what to expect. Or rather I should say: we know to expect the unexpected. We don’t know what our newest addition will look like. We don’t know what he will be like. We are making space for him, getting him things, like a new blanket, a stuffed animal, clothes, diapers and bottles. But we will not know just who is going to be using these until the day he is born (or more likely: about a week or six after that, when his character will start showing).
The dynamics of our family will change once again as well. Our oldest daughter, feisty as she may be, is the best older sister to her younger sister. Will she be the same to her younger brother? She is six years older than him, she is very aware of what is going on and she might (s)mother him, but maybe she will find it difficult to have a baby brother around. Our younger daughter will become the middle one. She might have to adjust a bit more that her older sister. She has been asking for some extra attention over the last few weeks already, sometimes in negative ways. My oldest explained: “Mommy, you are already a big sister and so am I. But Margot isn’t, she only knows what it is like to be the younger sister. Becoming an older sister is quite a big deal! She has to learn about that”. I couldn’t have put it better myself.
And we will have to adjust to being the parents of three children. No more you take that one and I will take the other one. From the birth of our baby onwards, we will be outnumbered. One of us will have to deal with two lovely girls, while the other takes care of the baby. It will not always be easy. But I already feel that this is the best thing that could have happened to us.
Time will tell
With kids, all the cliches are definitely true. They are only newborns for so little time. They grow up so fast. The days may sometimes (or most of the times) be long, but the years are short. But especially as I am pregnant for the third time, I realize that this time with my two girls will never come back. From January onwards I will (hopefully) continue being a mother of two girls and a boy. I felt I should preserve this beautiful feeling of anticipation. From me, from the girls, who are also looking forward to meeting their baby brother.
The timing felt very befitting. We conceived in spring, the time of new beginnings. We found out our baby was growing just fine and that he would be a boy in summer, at the height of the season. And now we are letting go of being a family of four in order to become a family of five, just as autumn season is upon is. And finally we will meet him for the first time in winter, the time of both endings and beginnings, like a little seed that is being planted in the soil. Our time as a family of five is upon us.
